Samhain Goals

As Samhain approaches, I find myself giving a great deal of thought to my personal goals for the coming Wheel of the Year.  Every year I tend toward things like:  be kinder, be more generous, be more tolerant, gossip less… All worthy goals to be sure.  Yet they never seem to change.  I’m always setting the same personal goals.  Apparently, I am not achieving them!

This year, I have new goals on my mind.  The first is to be more authentic.  Over the past four and a half years I have learned a good deal about myself.  Being on my own, I have had to figure out a lot of stuff that I used to depend on someone else to deal with.  I have also had to swallow my pride a few times and admit that I had reached my limits and ask for help.  Harder still, I had to accept it!  At times I have been elated by my accomplishments; at other times, humbled by my shortcomings.

What I have learned is that it doesn’t negate my independence when I allow someone else to share their experience and skills to make my life better.  Just a small shift in thinking:  from I’m giving up my power to I’m being empowered by this person’s willingness to assist made all the difference.

I have also realized how much I used to defer to what I think other people think of me.   I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn’t do something because I thought that this person or that person would not approve.  “What if ______ hated me for doing this?”  “What would people say?”  I spent so much energy not letting others down, I often forgot not to let myself down. 

When I hide myself from others, I deny myself from others.  It doesn’t make sense.  I mean what is the worst thing that can happen?  Well, in certain circumstances, there is a real risk of losing people that I love and admire.  Taking that risk is one of the most difficult things that I can do. 

No one wants to be judged.  No one wants to be rejected.  Yet if I am accepted on false pretenses, I’m not being accepted at all.  Some imaginary me is.  What purpose does it serve to be liked for pretending to be something I am not?  And who are these people liking?  And do I want to be the person they are liking? 

For almost as long as I can remember, I have been drawn to the Tarot.  As a young girl, I admit it was the romance of it that attracted me.  When I finally got the nerve up to buy a deck of Tarot cards, I was truly smitten.  The imagery and symbolism fascinated me.  I worked hard to master the art of cartomancy and I collected dozens of different decks – some just for the beautiful art, some to use in readings.  Some of the decks I owned were quirky and filled with great humour.  Some were dark and mysterious.  Some were elegant.  Some were grotesque.  Each had its own personality, so to speak; its own voice.  I loved them all.

When someone I love very much started declaring his opposition to what I was doing, I started hiding it.  Eventually, I gave it up altogether.  I gave away all my decks and I stopped doing readings.  At first it felt like a relief.  I convinced myself that his approval was more important than my interest and desire.  It took six years to realize that I was wrong.  It took six years to awaken to the fact that I was trying to be someone else’s ideal of who I should be.  I gave up something that I enjoyed to impress someone who had no interest in understanding me or what I did.  I even tried to convince myself that I had given it all up because I wanted to.  Ha!

There are times when it is prudent to keep certain behaviors and interests in check.  I get that not everyone is into the Tarot and that some people have been conditioned to view it with antipathy.  There is no need to poke the bear.  But if asked, why should I deny it?  Why should I have to hide it? 

No one has ever provided me with good reason to think that my use of the Tarot is harmful.  I am fully aware that it can be used for harm.  That, however, is not my intention.  Nor is it my practice.  And if I thought that I was causing harm with it, I would abstain. 

Which leads me to my next goal for the coming year:  to continue my study and practice of the Tarot as part of my goal to be more authentic.

You may have noticed my use of “more” in reference to my goal of authenticity.  I think that I already do try to be authentic.  I just need to stop hiding some of my authenticity.  Baby steps!

My third goal is to be more creative!  Creativity is probably the most important quality I have.  When I make beautiful things, when I write good stories or poems, when I simply express myself creatively in any way, I am the most content, the happiest and the least stressed I can be.   When I let my creative side languish, I find myself feeling restless, bored and my imagination takes on dark mannerisms and I end up getting all worked up over nothing.  It’s quite silly!

And my fourth and final goal is to make more money!  I have waffled over this one for a while.  The superficiality of it makes me cringe.  Then I remind myself that I am worthy of being and deserve to be more financially stable.  There are things I want to do – one being the desire to eliminate the phrase “I can’t afford it” from my idiolect. 

I think it’s a shame when people act in a manner that is designed to impress or feign importance.  I have been guilty of both these things and it hasn’t helped me one bit.  I remain who I am and others like or dislike me based on false notions and skewed perceptions.   No one knows me.  At least no one knows all of me.  That I cannot change.  I can make it so more people know more me. 

I do fear the cost this may exact.  I suspect that there may be those who turn their backs.  There may be those who think the real me is a fake me.   

But what if those who turn their backs open spaces for those who like me for being me?  Wouldn’t that be awesome?  I think it would.

.